In These Eyes...

wow....i havent written in forewer....
so boo...on you
and now i must go have blackberry cobbler with my lezlo..tootles

life is interesting i guess....


and when the day is over..
you still don't know me for who i am.

Sometimes I sit and wonder how people you barely know can so suddenly become so close. It's as if before you know it you can't imagine a day without them and you know no matter what you've got their backs and they've got yours, and it seems no event in particular led to the forming of such a strong, unbreakable bond. hmm....interesting.

"She'll be fine because she *has* to be fine. She is my family, my insides..." -Carrie Bradshaw (SPJ), Sex and the City s.7
So, how do people get that close to you anyway?...funny process I guess. You never even notice it happening.

Have you ever zoomed out and taken a look at your life and realized that you're not or it's not what you wanted it to be?
Have you ever made your mind spin around in so many pointless directions that you just end up confused and...well, lost?
I have.
But no more.
I am only who I will be and not who I have been.
Life is what you make of it right? Well then we shall just have to wait and see....

"mirror mirror lie to me, show me what i wanna see
why don't i like the girl i see...
the one who's standing right in front of me"

I remember some lame song with those lyrics from years ago....*sigh*
I wish I was who I want to be.
It's not forever though...eventually I can change who I see. and that sad, pathetic girl with the tears in her eyes will be just a memory.
It's not so hard if I just think to myself...it's just a bad day...it's just another bad day and take it one day at a time. I look in the mirror and think to myself...

"Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day"

Ok so I talk to myself. Is that so crazy? ;-)

Is there a reason why I haven't actually smiled in freaking almost 2 whole days? And why I feel like crying all the time...I don't actually cry all the time; most of the time I just swallow them down...but there's gotta be some logical explanation...right?

FYI: I don't handle loneliness very well.

he is amazing
he is the chocolate chips in my cookie, the perfectly melty ones, not the little burnt ones on the bottom :-p
he is the cherry on top of the sundae that i wanna make with the ice cream he brought me :-)
he is the song in my soul and the passion that keeps me going
i look at him and feel like living
he is the light rain on a summer day that calms your heart and makes you feel like dancing
he is the smile on my lips and the light in my eyes
he makes my world brighter and more beautiful every day
he is the silent smile that steals its way onto my lips when no ones there every time i think of him
he is...
my love

take a journey into my head....
so my life is tkseyerkygzgzekjyhekjabngtkjetgs.....so what now?
i want nothing, and yet i want everything....
i want to paint, sketch.....dance
dance like there's no one watching, like it's raining and i don't care....
i want ice cream....lots of it
I'm in love and it's wonderful...so why is it so hard? circumstances suck ass
i need love, compassion, understanding....
i want a life outside of all of this
i want to be the person i want to be
i can't just survive, i want to thrive....

"Flippin' you fins you don't get too far, legs are required for jumpin', dancin'..strollin' along down a..what's that word again?..street.
Up where they walk, up where they run, up where they stay all day in the sun...
out of the sea, wish i could be...
part of that world.
what would i give? if i could live out of these waters?
what would i pay? to spend a day warm on the sand...
bet you on land they understand, bet they don't repremand their daughters.
Bright young women, sick of swimmin'
ready to stand, and I'm ready to know what the people know, ask 'em my questions and get some answers. What's a fire and why does it, what's the word burn? When is it my turn? Wouldn't I love...love to explore that shore up above...out of the sea...wish i could be...
part of that world..."

*sigh* SO WHAT NOW?

So a funny thing happened the other day...
I was in Brit's room sitting on the bed while he was reading. So I'm sitting there playing music, completely random sequence of songs...or so I thought. Hmm..it was "Stop Crying Your Heart Out", "So Sick", and "Have You Ever"...somewhere through "Have You Ever" he puts down the book and looks at me...I was aware but didn't know what to say because I knew what he was thinking so I tried to ignore it...but no, ever persistent Brit kept staring....So I asked why...and as I expected he asked me if there was a reason I was playing the songs I was playing. The funniest thing was that I really wasn't but when I got home i thought about it. Maybe subconsciously I was? I mean I relate music to my feelings so maybe....
All those songs work now that I think about it...heh....But certain parts of course....
And then of course in Thursday the inevitable ensued between us...not that I have a problem with it. Nothing has changed since I developed "feelings" except that well....now although I'm embarassed to say, I can't stand the thought of him with anyone else. Funny huh? Even though his promiscuity makes it easy for me to not want to be with him, to not want to break down and cry because he can't be with me......it's the same reason I feel so uncomfertable sometimes when i'm sleeping in his bed. I just can't help but wonder once in a while who was there before me. I mean it's a good thing right? It's good that he's like that....it keeps me from liking him more than I do. Then whyyyyyy does it bother me so? I hate this feeling....I hate that it burns me up inside to think about him with another girl....but of course I guess it's expected what with liking him and all. And I'm sure it happens.....he returned once of my calls last week or maybe the week before pretty late at night....and of course I noticed there was a girl with him...and I don't know why it hurt so much. To be honest, I have no right to think that anything was going on...but suspicion hurts just as bad. I HATE THIS FEELING......it's just....blah..
So I was at Emory Thursday night in Shazia's room with Maddu, Paul, and Eric eating fajitas....and they were reading all the stuff for all the carnations people had sent out for Valentine's Day because I think Shazia was in charge or something. I was standing next to Eric and he was secretly filling a card out for one to be delivered to Shazia. I though it was so cute...they had all filled out secret ones for eachother but of course they all knew....and I couldn't help but wish I could get one too...but of course I don't actually go to Emory....and I don't know anyone well enough at my school for them to want to send me one either..heh. Funny I guess.....I hate not belonging to either place....a flower ir a valentine doesn't matter of course...it's just about feeling like you belong somewhere. It's so funny because no one gives out as many as I do every year....maybe it's unnerving a bit because this year I had to start out all new somewhere, and I miss belonging so much at my old school. So again I say...blah
But it's funny.....despite little things like these.....I'm more or less content....I do have some plans for Valentine's Day and Brit and I are getting along great....so all this....just little rants I guess....but hey...that's why I have this right?

so....I made this thing for Em...and so all the ppl who read my xanga won't know everything...

so....
really, what am i suppossed to say? i'm so confused...well maybe confused isn't even the correct word. my boyfriend is so sweet...things are amazing...so why all this?
Why can't i get *him* out of my mind? Why is it that everything I've always wanted is completely out of balance right now? why is it so hard to be the person I want to be? Why can't I hold myself together around him? WHY am I not enough?! Am I not good enough? Why is it so much to ask for him to want to spend a few minutes with me? Is it too much to ask? Is it so terrible to be with me for that long?..........What's so wrong with me?...why doesn't he care that my heart is breaking? And he's doing it...It's like he wants to push me further and further away...so many questions...
which is just as well because all of them are pointless. All the answers are unattainable...and so is he...

Oasis-Stop Crying Your Heart Out

Hold up
Hold on
Don't be scared,
You'll never change what's been and gone
May your smile, (may your smile)
Shine on, (shine on)
Don't be scared, (don't be scared)
Your destiny may keep you warm,

'Cause all of the stars,
Have faded away
Just try not to worry,
You'll see them some day,
Take what you need,
And be on your way and
Stop crying your heart out

We're all of the stars,
We're fading away.
Just try not to worry,
You'll see us some day.
Just take what you need,
And be on your way and
Stop crying your heart out...

Why does it break my heart everytime I think about him?....